The Man Who Didn't Ask

This post is a bit odd. You can think of it as a journal entry rather than an article that I decided is worth sharing. The protagonist is my dear friend—let’s call him Larry—who I noticed had great resistance to asking questions. It seemed he would rather do something completely wrong than bear the apparent embarrassment of asking. Needless to say, he was brought up in an oppressive environment where his childlike curiosity was the last thing that was encouraged. He was told what to do—no questions asked—so naturally, he learned to keep his mouth shut and bury himself in the numerous tasks of the day.

As most of us know by now, early experiences in childhood shape our behaviours through the internalization of beliefs - that is, how we have come to assign meaning to circumstances. Furthermore, the emotional residue connected to the experience of asking questions (i.e., shame and humiliation) sends a signal to the subconscious to avoid any actions that could trigger those unpleasant feelings. And yet, when life contorts itself to fit around the difficult task of avoiding questions, we can easily find ourselves running into problems. Of course, we make do—presumably because there seems to be no other way—until higher awareness strikes us in some way. In this case, it came through the benefit of a friend with hawk eyes for such things, intent on eradicating the habit pattern (that’s me!).

I remember when it first dawned on me to bring my friend’s tendency to avoid asking questions into the light. The opportunity arose when I heard a dhamma talk by Ajahn Brahm called “What is Intelligence?” After the talk, he asked the audience if anyone had any questions. No one responded, so Ajahn reminded them that asking questions would result in taking rebirth as an intelligent person. This makes sense—any skill regularly practiced will contribute to the advancement of that quality in the future.

I took advantage of this comment to motivate a behaviour change in my friend, knowing he would benefit from such encouragement. I also began to test my subject by giving him information but omitting vital details to see if he would ask questions to fill in the gaps. Alas, no matter how incomplete my instructions, no questions were asked—only a look of confusion.

Hrmm… it seemed this habit pattern was more ingrained than I had anticipated! At the very least, my testing verified that my impressions were correct before I became truly insistent on activating the 'question faculty' of his brain so he could experience the joy of self-agency. I then I left for a retreat in a monastery for several months, but I wasn’t about to let this go. I decided to keep prodding him from a distance, and so I wrote the letter you’re about to read.

As you do, I invite you to consider whether this same tendency lives somewhere in you—or in someone you know. The value of a story like this is that it humanizes our quirks and invites compassion. The more we understand the hidden knots in the human heart, the more skillfully we can support each other.

Because a true friend is not someone who leaves you unchanged—they are the ones who notice where you’re stuck and offer the spark for transformation whenever they can.

Dear Larry,

In my absence, I wanted to share some final words for you to contemplate and evaluate. I am setting you the challenge of becoming increasingly aware of the inclination to avoid asking questions. The drawbacks of this habit pattern are numerous, which I will outline for you to reflect upon:

In the first case, taking action without proper instruction or information often results in doing the wrong task—and therefore wasting time, energy, and resources that could have been preserved. Eagerly digging a trench in the absence of instruction is but one example of countless instances where energy has been exhausted to no benefit.

To further demonstrate the shortcomings of this habit, we may look to the instance where you were on the receiving end of someone else’s hastiness—the guy who took the boxes without pausing to ask, “Am I taking the right box?” Uff, such a simple question, yet the compulsion to act came in like a bulldozer, crushing the opportunity for such basic insight to arise in the mind. The result? An entourage across the country to deliver the correct box. In such cases, we can see how the spectrum of consequences has no limit, and yet we would hope that such instances leave a lasting imprint in the mind. One may ask, Is it my highest aspiration to chase after a fool and call it ‘noble service’? Or is this act of service really a sympathetic response to the fool I see in myself?

In other situations, certain tasks may be completely avoided because one finds oneself at a standstill with what can be done using only limited information. Better to dig a trench without instruction than to just stand there, right? WRONG.

Being at peace with having nothing to do is part of the practice. If there is not enough information to continue, the task is either to wait or, where possible, to get the information needed to proceed.

Another example of this habit arises when a technology-based task presents itself and it is unclear how to proceed. In such cases, it is not that the task is unattainable, but rather that the skill of drawing out further information to fill the gaps in one’s knowledge is unpracticed—leaving one immobilized and frustrated. Here, one must take it a step further: move from simply talking about the problem to framing the problem as a question so that it can be resolved. No question, no answer.

In a third example, one should be mindful of how doing tasks without directly being asked can create the same defective structures for the people around you. For example, if you are doing tasks to help the kids without being asked, does this not diminish opportunities for communication and give rise to assumptions and complacency? Does this not further encourage the habit of avoiding responsibility for matters that should not be presumed to be another’s unless otherwise asked? Does this not leave room for misunderstanding, false expectations, and agreements to things that were never actually verbally discussed? How might this be entraining one to lean on the crutch of another person and become entitled to having tasks done without any effort or direct involvement? As we can see, such habit patterns can overly cushion and accommodate others—enabling the very deficiency that we ourselves have been afflicted by.

I present these cases to you for your contemplation with love, for I know the origin of your reservation to ask questions stems from an oppressive upbringing. And yet, the longer these habit patterns remain firmly rooted, the longer you are living under the thumb of an oppressive system of consciousness. As you begin to ask more questions, you will soon discover a new world of opportunity available to you, and you will become empowered by your own capacity to draw forth information that will help you use your precious time and energy intelligently.

From a karmic perspective, you will take rebirth as an intelligent person instead of being reborn as a slave child told what to do. There are only fruits to bear from having a willingness to learn and taking the risk of being seen as “stupid” by asking a so-called “stupid question.”

What’s more foolish—asking if you have the right box, or driving five hours across the country to deliver the correct box that was foolishly left behind? Why not take the risk of appearing dumb so that you don’t act as a fool?

To summarize what I have written, I made up a slogan you can put on a T-shirt—or at least on a sticky note for the mirror of your mind:

“Act before ask and you’re on your ass. Ask before act and you’re right on track!”

Your loyal friend on the path,

Luna